When Anger Hurts

My favorite hip to rest my baby on is my left hip because I’m right-handed and tend to be a ferocious multitasker (something I'm working to change). This enables me to comfort my baby and do a load of laundry, if I must. Here lately, I’ve noticed that my arm fatigues a little faster, and even if I lean a little to the right, to offset the weight of the baby on my body, I still find that I have to intermittently shift the baby from hip to chest, and chest to hip, to give my arm a little break from the intensity. This was never an issue with my older kids because with them, I wasn’t managing the injury that causes me to have this weakness in the first place.

Just before 2020 began, I broke my left wrist. I had never broken a bone before then, so in looking back, it seems as though it was a foreshadowing of all the peculiarities that would mark that rollercoaster year (sheesh!). We had family in town for the holidays, and I’d left my kids in the family room with them, while I snuck off to grab a quick shower. My 6-year-old was in a super playful mood (because he’s six) and decided to play peek-a-boo with naked mommy in the shower.

Ordinarily, I’d tell him to scram and then ignore him if he kept at it. But instead, I was freaking the heck out because we had one of those master bathrooms with an intentionally missing door (why builder, why?!), and the glass shower was positioned directly in front of this opening, and this opening was positioned next to the doors of our bedroom, and the doors of our bedroom faced the family room...where everyone was sitting.

“Get out of here, NOW!! Close that curtain!!” (that I’d strung up to veil the missing door). He’d scurry back on from whence he came, only to return again with more mischief. “What did I SAY?! LEAVE NOW! And close the CURTAIN!!” By this point, I was shouting like a maniac. I really did NOT want to give the in-laws a peep show.

I thought to myself, If he comes back in here I’m going to pretend like I don’t see him, and then when he gets close to the shower door, I’m going to swing it open and yell at him. Yeah, that should scare him off pretty good. And sure enough, he returned. Smiling and giggling he rustled the tacky little curtain, peering in to see if I had noticed him yet. Once he was convinced I was clueless, he went for it, this time, turning off all the lights. He thought it was hilarious, and I was LIVID.

At this, I abruptly swung the shower door open, shook my fist and shouted something like “why I oughta”. However, things got slippery when I took it to the next level, angrily and impulsively jumping out of the shower as if I was going to chase and clobber him.

Whoooaaaa! Plop! Crack!

Dangit.

Mid-fall, I knew I had just made a foolish decision purely out of anger. I let my emotions get the best of me, and now, I was lying naked in a puddle on the porcelain-tiled floor, holding my swelling wrist and clamoring in pain.

My son was long-gone and probably pretty proud of himself for getting the reaction out of me that he did, and I was left there to deal with the excruciating aftermath. And you know what? It was all my fault. I tried to cast the blame on my frisky little boy, but the reality was, I lost control of myself and paid for it.

How many times has this happened to you? Your child does something childish that makes you crazy and you react like crazy reacts. Afterward, waves of guilt and shame wash over you like the tide, unrelenting, and you can’t figure out how you landed in this place in your parenting...again.

If you’re like me, this frustrating cycle isn’t always limited to situations with the kiddos. It might also occur in situations with your spouse. “Spirited conversations” with the potential to lead to solid resolution, instead, ends in bitter tears, and words that fell out of your mouth that you can’t pick back up.

Can I share something with you?

When I’m experiencing a tense or annoying situation with my child that’s tap dancing on every single nerve in my body, one thing I’ve discovered is helpful is to pause and ask myself, “What do they want?” Most of the time, your child’s goal isn’t to make you so angry that you blow up at them and make them cry. Your loved one isn’t aiming to get under your skin so badly that you slam doors and invoke the silent treatment.

So what do they want?

Unfortunately, I don’t have a blanket answer for that question, but what I do have is a little advice that can help you avoid being a meanie. :)

1. Take a deep breath before responding. Cheesy, maybe even cliche, but it works. This helps me to avoid those unhelpful knee-jerk reactions.

2. Simply ask them what they want. “Sweetheart, what do you need?” This is a question I literally say to my children after I’ve taken that deep breath.

3. Listen. And lose the side-eye while listening, please.:) This can sometimes feel like an inconvenience (Hell-o, I’m in the middle of a shower!), but if you can prefer the other person for a few seconds, and actively listen to how they answer the question, a lot of times you’ll find that A.) You can help them easily; then move on, or B.) When given the chance to express their needs, that alone can help diffuse the fuse on both ends.

The tinges of pain I feel in my wrist, here and there, often causes me to go back to that moment in the bathroom with my son. It reminds me to pause before I respond when I feel upset and angry. I think about what was necessary and what was not. I think about what I could’ve done differently and how I should’ve responded.

I agree that it’s not always healthy to review the shoulda, coulda, wouldas in our minds, but in some cases, it’s a reflection that can ultimately help you avoid reckless reactions in the future that’ll do nothing but leave you broken, lying naked in a puddle on the floor, holding your heart and clamoring in pain.

"My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires."

James 1:19-20 (NIV)